Wellness: OK not to be OK

Briley Patterson with her husband, James, daughter, Malania, and son, Tytus

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a loss one in four women experience. As part of Nebraska Medicine and UNMC’s Wellness series, Briley Patterson,  an ambulatory supervisor with Nebraska Medicine, shares her wellness journey.

It was Feb. 8, in the midst of a pandemic, no visitors were allowed for appointments, and here I was in the waiting room alone trying to prepare myself for the news that I knew was coming.

When I first received the news that I was having a miscarriage, I was shocked. I don’t think I reacted at all. I called my husband, we cried together, and then I went back to work in the clinic after that appointment.

I was approximately 10 weeks pregnant with my second pregnancy at that time. My husband and I had been trying for a year at that point, with no luck. We were so excited, and during those 10 weeks we thought of names, made bets on if it’s a girl or a boy, and told our close family members.

After my appointment, I went about my day. I kept giving myself pep talks to be strong, and that I would be OK, as I had to still be a mom to our other kids at the end of the day.

The next day, our 5-year-old daughter asked, "When do I get to see the baby in your belly?"

That’s when I knew I was not OK.

I had to grieve, be a mother, be a wife, a full-time graduate student, and a nurse — I had no idea how I was going to fulfil these roles while I felt like my world was crashing and I was alone. I had a second appointment, and at this appointment, I was told I needed a dilation and curettage, but they would do it in the clinic right now. I was not prepared. I hurried and called my husband, terrified and bawling. This was one of the most traumatizing things I have ever gone through — alone.

I am so thankful Nebraska Medicine has miscarriage as part of their bereavement policy. I was able to grieve over the next few days, and my coworkers were nothing short of supportive and phenomenal. I thought I was ready to take on the world again, and we were excited to be able to continue to try. I got pregnant for a third time, and we thought this was it. It happened quickly, effortlessly, and we got through a hard time, and now was our time. I remember feeling excited, nervous and terrified. Quickly, my fears turned into reality, and I was told I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I felt like a balloon that was just blown up and quickly deflated; deflated physically, emotionally and mentally, feeling like it was my fault because my body was failing at carrying a child.

I was once again alone, my husband unable to accompany me, in a cold exam room, trying to mentally prepare myself for the next steps. At this appointment, I was given Methotrexate and went back to work in the clinic like a normal day, but nothing was normal. I am so thankful to have the most supportive work family, as well as a supportive husband that was there every step of the way as much as he could be.

I am happy to announce we are now expecting, and baby is healthy and thriving at 21 weeks!

No one prepares you for things like this when you are trying to conceive, and this topic is highly under-discussed. After the second loss, I was able to discuss it more and open up about the situation and my feelings. In that time, I realized I was not alone. In fact, there are quite a few women that have gone through this painful loss, but people are afraid to discuss it.

It’s time to break the stigma.

Women should be able to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and grief with the support of others and not feel like they are all alone. Seventy-five percent of women have repeated miscarriages with unknown cause. There is nothing to prepare you for this but being able to have the available support and listening ears speaks volumes.

This will always be a topic near and dear to my heart, and I will continually advocate for women to be able to feel supported and feel like they are not alone. Finally, for all women who have gone through this, are going through this or unfortunately will experience this — I promise, you are not alone, and it is OK not to be OK. Never be afraid to ask for help — I would have never gotten through this period without the help of everyone in my circle.