The flowers are drooping, the only chocolates left are dented and coconut, and your monthly budget for February is shot. Another Valentine’s Day is behind us, and keeping the love alive takes more than a pudgy cupid’s arrow. Before surrendering because it’s too much work, consider these researched ideas that will kindle the love.
Do daydream. While we most enjoy friendships when we’re socializing together, most of us can’t spend the day with those we cherish. If love is ripe, in the absence of our partner we likely find ourselves thinking over past interactions and future developments. Researchers wondered if that sets us up for disappointment or reward. A study of 101 participants reported on over 370 naturally occurring daydreams. Borrowing a quote from American writer HL Mencken, the research article was titled, “Love is the triumph of the imagination,” and found that there was increased evidence of happiness, love and connection between the participants and their friends if the participant daydreamed about the relationships. Interestingly, the positive feelings were evident only if the daydreamer reported an absence of those emotional feelings prior to daydreaming and the daydream featured imagining someone the daydreamer cared about. Don’t tell your boss we said so, but keep those daydreams coming.
Do be honest (and humor helps). In a study of 87 Swiss, adolescent, romantic couples (average age of 16.4 years), 24 character strengths were explored. Youth were asked about characteristics that helped them identify partner selection and what role they played in their partner’s life satisfaction. Beating out such choices as creativity, fairness, beauty, and social intelligence, the top character strength identified was honesty (82.5 percent in males, 85.9 percent in females). Next on the list was humor, followed by love. Who says the next generation is hopeless? Hope ranked fifth on the list, just behind kindness.
Don’t roll your eyes. Statements or facial expressions that show contempt only breed misery. The implication of such actions puts oneself as better than the companion. When my own ego gets in the way of caring for someone else, there’s only trouble ahead. John Gottman, a notable researcher on healthy relationships, reports that this is the single best predictor of divorce.
Don’t say, “You never…” This has to do with fighting fair. Any statement that begins with “you always” or “you never” likely becomes a personal attack rather than a discussion of desired behaviors. Arguments over lowering the toilet seat or picking up dirty socks are common, but turning it into accusations of being a careless slob are blows below the belt. The good news here is research finds when negative communication occurs, it may not end poorly if the couple already have a satisfying relationship. A study at Baylor University of 734 people in heterosexual marriages or cohabitation reported that if the relationship was strong, hostile communication resulted in bigger conflicts, but the conflict would proceed to a big, loving resolution. People in less satisfying relationships who use sharp criticism have big conflicts, but these do not resolve as well.
Friendship and love are year-round affairs. Whether or not you achieved your goals on Valentine’s Day, there’s still much that can be accomplished to grow vibrant relationships around you.